[Becky]

Has anyone ever struggled with suicidal thoughts due to depression and anxiety? If so, how did you pull yourself out? This is what I'm going through, it's long, but I'm going through hell right now and I just need to "talk" and don't have anyone to talk to.

I know it seems kind of weird to post this on a Bon Jovi board, but I'm really in a desperate point right now and it's not the kind of thing I can put on Facebook because I don't need "the townspeople" or 55 coworkers knowing my business.

I'm currently on medical leave from work for anxiety/depression and I'm going to outpatient group counseling 5 days a week. I've struggled with these issues all my life--probably why I went into psychology. The "straw that broke he camel's back" and sent me into this major depressive spell has been work. A few weeks ago, on a Friday, my supervisor asked me how many kids I had tested the day before. When I told her 2 she said that wasn't a very productive day. I'm the type of person who never defends myself, but the reason I only tested two kids the day before (which is reasonable anyway) is that one was a preschooler and we had to wait for an audiometer to be brought from the county office to check his hearing before we could proceed with testing--and HE'S A ****ING PRESCHOOLER. They don't mind anyway. It's hard to get them conditioned for the eye exam and ear exam and to do all the other crap. I went in that day with a migraine to test this little shit so we wouldn't miss a 14 day timeline because he was a parent referral and if we hadn't addressed it in 14 days, MDE would have cited us. Then, my IBS was acting up, so I only managed to pull one other girl to test for gifted, but she was Hispanic and she qualified. I bring up her ethnicity because 1/3 of that school's population is Hispanic and it's good that she qualified because MDE is going to come in and audit and ask why is 1/3 of you school Hispanic and not 1/3 of your gifted class? So, what I'm hearing is that it doesn't matter that I've already tested literally OVER 70 kids in less than a month, I'm not good enough. Comparatively speaking, we had two full time psychometrists last year. The other woman handled the preschoolers, most of the MET team meetings, and a bit of the testing and I tested 170 kids in TEN MONTHS. At this point, EVERYTHING IS ON ME--preschoolers (whom I hate because of the scheduling part), MET teams, all the testing--and I'm physically sick. I have chronic migraines and I've developed IBS so my stomach hurts all the time. I get stomach aches all the time so when I'm at work I hardly eat anything to be safe so I'm usually hungry and weak at work. The she told me people had complained at 3 schools that I had been negative in meetings with parents. This is an outright LIE because I had not even met with a single parent at 2 of the schools. So, is someone lying about me to her? Or is SHE lying to me??? I'm the last person left of the "old regime" before she took over. Is she trying to get rid of me?

I left her office that day, went to a school, crying all the way, sucked it up, tested two more kids for gifted (they both qualified), but I called a local facility and asked about checking myself in for depression. I wound up seeing a psychiatrist the following Monday and starting therapy that Tuesday. I've been going for 3 weeks.

Then there's my family. My mother has Alzheimer's and is apparently signing anything my stepfather puts in front of her. He cussed me out the other day for even going to get therapy. He told me I don't know what depression is. I don't know what anxiety is. I don't know what pressure is. He told me I was failure for not getting a 2nd Master's degree, for being overweight, for being single, and for rescuing cats. He told me I didn't deserve to have kids. Meanwhile his bipolar daughter and her bipolar drug dealer husband have 5 kids and 0 jobs between them. They have no means to support their 5 kids except my stepfather who gets all his money from my mother who gets all her money from the business that my father owned before he died. Joey gets disability because he had cancer when he was 5. He's now about 40 and STILL drawing disability. Leach on society! He's fine. He goes to college FOR FREE but has no intention to ever get or use a degree. He only takes classes because as long as he's in college he doesn't have to pay child support to the mothers of his other children. He told Mandy he intended to stay in school as long as his kids were young enough that he'd have to pay child support if he wasn't in school. Yet, I who worked for an education and have held a job for 15 years (not counting the part time job I had in college) don't deserve children! So, I just sat there and cried while he berated me and my mother agreed with everything he said.

I have such a problem with weekends though because I have what I call, "Monday's coming anxiety." I woke up yesterday morning and threw up first thing even though I hadn't eaten anything in at least 14 hours. Then my stomach started hurting. Then I had crying spells and I started feeling suicidal. I had plans yesterday to meet a friend so I did that, but when I got back home, I was having crying spells again. By 10:00, I was ready to take every pill in my house. I tried to call a couple of friends, but no one answers their phones at 10:00--I wouldn't either. I just kept crying and wandering around the house trying to talk myself down.

The only things that stopped me are this: 1. Even though I don't believe people go to hell if they commit suicide, I'm not quite sure of it. 2. I'm not sure what would happen to my cats if I wasn't here to take care of them.

Then I tried my GOD BOX THEORY. I bought a little box and I decided to write on it a prayer and "give it to God."

So my prayer was basically, please let me die or help me find another job and deal with mother and Henry (that's a whole other long story in itself). And please take care of my kitty cats.

I know the simple solution is "Quit your damn job." But it's not that easy. I have to have a job because I have to pay bills and I have to have health insurance. What I do is so damn specified that I pretty much and stuck working for a school system. The hiring period is basically May-July. I live in a huge state with huge counties which means school districts are far apart. It's not easy to find something within driving distance from my home. I can't just "move" because I don't make enough money to pay for a house note or rent, plus I don't want to give up the house I have now because then my stepfather really will think all the property my mother has is his (183 acres) to do with as he pleases.

I've been looking for other jobs online, anything that would require a Bachelor's or Master's in Psychology or a related field, but I can't really find anything close or anything that pays a decent salary.

Also, there's a very real possibility that if I quit my job, they can pull my license for breach of contract and then I CAN'T work anywhere.

I'm having crying spells again today.

So, truly, if you've been through these emotions, let me know how you got out. I'm on medication and I'm going to therapy. What else do you do?

[ezearis]

You have one, actually two private messages.

[rocknation]

Your medications might be playing a role in forming or inflaming suicidal thoughts. Maybe they need to be adjusted.

And by all means post here if you even think it will help. It's very important that you not convince yourself that you're all alone -- and I, for one, absolutely do not mind reading threads like this if the alternative is reading or writing memorial threads about any of you. Besides, you might be helping another JoviTalker without knowing it -- one who thinks you live in a mental health paradise compared to them.

I remember a Backstager posting about finally reporting that she'd been raped, and another about finally leaving her abusive husband with nothing but the clothes on her back, the child in her arms, the five dollars in her wallet and the Bon Jovi CD in her car. As for your stepfather's attacks on your self-esteem, well, you certainly don't seem to have any problems dressing any of US down, and it sounds like there's plenty of ammunition you can use against HIM. (At the very least, suggest that he get some counseling of his own -- sounds like he's having a problem handling your mother's illness, too. People tend to hate the idea of therapy when they know they probably need it.)

We've got each other, which can be a lot. And know you're going to live through the rain.

[golittleperson]

Sent you a DM....